you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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