So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
