Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
