Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
