I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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