If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
