Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
