the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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