Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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