I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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