I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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