Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
