I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
