my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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