Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
