im six kinds of drunk right now
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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