ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
