you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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