I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
