I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
