The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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