Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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