I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
