She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
