just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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