I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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