I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
