Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my shit smells like andre
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
