I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
