Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
