You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
