If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
