I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
