we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
