Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
