RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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