R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
