Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize