I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize