I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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