last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
