dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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