We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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