I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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