I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
