This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
