Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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