How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize