Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
