: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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