i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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