Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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