i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
