i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
