Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
