I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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